FWD:: Neither Logical nor Legal to have an A

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After failing his "Logistics and Organization" exam, a student confronted his professor. "Sir, do you understand anything about this subject?"

"Of course. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

"Really? Then allow me to ask you one question. If you answer it correctly, I'll accept my failing grade and leave quietly. But if you don't know the answer, I want an 'A' on my exam."

"Okay. It's a deal. What's your question?"

"What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"

After long consideration, the professor conceded and changed the student's score to an "A." Afterwards, the professor asked one of his best students the same question.

The good student answered immediately. "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35-year-old woman which is legal but not logical. Your wife has a 22-year-old lover which is logical but not legal. And the fact that you have given your wife's lover an 'A' when he should have failed is neither legal nor logical!"

FWD:: Art Theif

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A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and the make such an obvious error, he replied,

"Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

(And you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to tell you this one!)

Well, I figured I have nothing Toulouse.

FWD:: Poisoned Dinner

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A couple, hosting a dinner party, was interrupted when the maid called the hostess to the kitchen. "Ma'am, the cat climbed up on the kitchen counter and ate the middle of the salmon."

Light on her feet, the hostess told her to replace the missing portion with canned salmon, then returned to her guests. As everyone enjoyed the fish, the maid summoned the hostess into the kitchen again. "Ma'am, the cat is dead!"

The frightened hostess felt obliged to inform her guests and suggested everyone go to the hospital together to get their stomachs pumped. Returning home after their long, expensive, and embarrassing ordeal, she asked the maid where she had put the cat.

"Nowhere, Ma'am. It's still out in the street where the car hit it!"

FWD:: 35 Life Truths

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1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides nice contrast to the real world.

25. It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat.

26. If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved it’s full potential, that word would be "meetings."

27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

29. You should not confuse your career with your life.

30. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

31. Never lick a steak knife.

32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

35. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside we ALL believe we are good drivers.

FWD:: Differences Between Men and Women

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Names

If Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara.

If John, Brad, Tony and Daniel go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla.

Eating Out
When the bill arrives, John, Brad, Tony and Daniel will each throw in $20, even though the total is only $34.25. None of them will have any smaller bills and none will admit they want change back.

When Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

Money
A man will pay $10 for a $5 item he needs.

A woman will pay $5 for a $10 item that she doesn‘t need, because it’s on sale.

Bathrooms
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, razor, shaving cream, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Motel 6.

The average number of items in a woman‘s bathroom is 328. The average man would not be able to identify most of them.

Cats
Women love cats.

Men may say they love cats, but when women are not looking, will men kick cats.

Future
A woman worries about the future — until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future — until he gets a wife.

Success
A successful man is one who makes more money than can be spent by his wife.

A successful woman is one who can find that a man.

Marriage
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn‘t.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

Dressing Up
A woman will dress up when she goes shopping, empties the garbage, answers the phone, waters the plants, gets the mail and reads a book.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Natural
Men wake up looking as good as when they went to bed.

Women will somehow deteriorate during the night.

Children
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about their best friends, romances, secret hopes and dreams, favorite foods, fears and dental appointments.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Thought for the Day
Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people to remember the same thing.

FWD:: Skinny Dipping

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An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked..'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.

FWD:: Important Meeting

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A guy ordered a drink in an airport cocktail lounge and suddenly realized that sitting across from him was Bill Gates. Barely concealing his enthusiasm, he introduced himself, "Hello, Mr. Gates. My name is Larry. You don't know me, but I'd like to ask you for a small favor."

A wary Gates asked, "And what might that be?"

"I'm meeting with a potential client here in a few minutes and if I can sign this deal, it could change my whole life. All I ask is that you walk over and greet me like an old friend. Perhaps my client will be impressed enough to swing the deal."

Relieved, Gates said, "Sure. I can do that for you."

A few minutes later, as the man sat talking with his client, Gates finished his drink, walked over to them, and said, "Hey, Larry! I thought that was you. How've you been?"

And the guy replied, "F*¢k off, Gates! I'm in a meeting here!"

FWD:: Tales of Udurawana 3 (Editor's Special *D*)

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Misleading notices

Udurawana was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defence. "They should not put up such misleading notices,"said Udurawana." It said , "FINE FOR PARKING HERE."

182 cms tall

Udurawana came to the news paper to place an advertisement announcing his father's death. "The rate is Rs.360 per single col. cm," the clerk told him. "i'm dhommed!," exclaimed the Udurawana. "My father was 182 cms tall."

Wrong Number

Udurawana went to Colombo for official matter and called to his house over phone. Servant had taken the receiver. Udurawana: Who is speaking? Servant : Servant Sir. Udurawana: Where is the Madam? Servant: She is sleeping with her husband in bedroom. Udurawana: What? I am her husband came to Colombo today. Servant: What can I do now sir? Udurawana: Open the cupboard, pick the Gun, shoot both of them, come back and tell me, till then I am waiting in the line. After some time ... there come 2 shooting sounds ... after that ... Servant: Yes, I did Sir. But what can I do next Sir? Udurawana: Open the back door, throw both of them into the swimming pool Servant: There is no swimming pool in our house Sir Udurawana: What...? No swimming pool? Servant: Yes Sir Udurawana: Sorry, wrong number !!!!!!!!

Double-decker

When Udurawana was studying in London he got into a double-decker bus with his friend. Udurawana’s friend somehow managed to get a bottom seat, But unfortunate Udurawana got pushed to the top. After a while when the rush is over, friend went upstairs to see Udurawana. He met Udurawana in a bad condition clutching the seats in front with both hands, scared to death. He says, "Udurawana! What the heck's goin' on? Why are you so scared ? I was enjoying my ride down there Scared Udurawana replies. "Yeah, but you've got a driver."

100 percent

Udurawana elected as a member of the parliament in the latest elections and went to the US to visit his counterpart. When the senator invited him home for dinner, the Udurawana was very impressed by the lavish mansion, grounds and the costly furnishings. He asked "How can you afford all this on a meagre senator's salary?" The senator smiled knowingly and took him to the window. "Can you see the river?" "Yes" "Can you see the bridge over it?" "Of course", said the Udurawana. "10 percent", said the senator smugly. Some time later, he had occasion to pay a return visit. Udurawana lavished all hospitality on him. When they came to his house, the American was stunned by the huge palace the Udurawana had built, glittering with precious art, hundreds of servants etc. etc. "How can you possibly afford this, on a salary in RS?', he asked. Udurawana called him to the window. "See the river over there?" "Sure", cried the senator. "Can you see the bridge over it?" The senator looked, was confused, peered closely and said - "No, I don't see any bridge." "100 percent", said the Udurawana!!

Get back to me tomorrow

Three men were applying for the same job as a detective. One was a Udurawana, one was Jewish, and one was Italian. The chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer. When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief asked him, "Who killed Jesus Christ?" The Jewish man answered without hesitation "The Romans killed him." The chief thanked him and he left. When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief asked the same question. He replied "Jesus was killed by the Jews." Again, the chief thanked the man who then left. Finally the Udurawana arrived for his interview; he was asked the same question. He thought for a long time, before saying, "Could I have some time to think about it?" The chief said, "OK, but get back to me tomorrow." When the Udurawana arrived home, his wife asked "How did the interview go?". Pat came the reply, "Great, I got the job, and I'm already investigating a murder.

I'm getting a Fax

Three men - an American, a Japanese and Udurawana were sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand." Udurawana felt decidedly low-tech but not to be outdone, decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to toilet. He returns with a piece of 'Toilet paper' hanging from his butt. The others raised their eyebrows and said, "Wow! What's that?" "I'm getting a Fax," he explains.

Logic

Udurawana decided to write the MBA exam. He could understand every thing except for the LOGIC part. One day when he was reading, one of his friends came home.  Friend: Udurawana How is your MBA preparation?  Udurawana: Every thing is fine, but I could not understand Logic.  Friend: Logic is very easy.  Udurawana: Can you give me an example, so that I can understand.  Friend: OK. Do you have fish pot in your house?  Udurawana: YES.  Friend: Logically, there will be water in it.  Udurawana : YES.  Friend: Logically, there will be fish in it.  Udurawana: YES.  Friend: Logically, someone will be feeding the fish.  Udurawana: YES.  Friend: I take a guess that your wife will be feeding the fish.  Udurawana: YES.  Friend: so, logically, your are married.  Udurawana: YES.  Friend: So, that means U are a heterosexual.  Udurawana was very glad and he understood logic. Next day he sees his lecturer and he wanted to show his knowledge on Logic to him.  Udurawana : Sir, I want to show you my knowledge on Logic  Lecturer : Ah.. how do you find it ?.  Udurawana: Oh, logic is easy.  Lecturer : Please, give me an example.  Udurawana : Do you have a fish pot in your house?  Lecturer : NO, I don't.  Udurawana: “GOD DAMN IT!, HOMO.....!!!” ~~more to come~~ Previously on Udurawana: Tale Of Udurawana 1 Tales Of Udurawana 2

FWD:: A Software Engineer's Wedding invitation

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FWD:: NO for Dancing YES for S*x [16+]

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A Saudi couple, Ahmed and Layla, preparing for their wedding meet with their Mullah for counseling.
The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave. Ahmed asks, "We realize it's tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."
Well, okay," says Ahmed, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
Of course!," replies the Mullah, "Alla ho Akber! (GOD is great) Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"Alla ho Akber! Mafi Mushkila (no problem)," says the Mullah. "Woman on top?" Ahmed asks.
"Sure," says the Mullah. "Alla ho Akber. Go for it!"
"Doggy style?" "Sure! Alla ho Akber!"
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes! Alla ho Akber!"
"Can I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather
harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"
"You may indeed. Alla ho Akber!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"No, absolutely not!" says the Mullah."
"Why not?" asks the man.
"Because that could lead to dancing!"

FWD:: Maximum Creativity

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FWD:: Santa and the Rabbits

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Santa wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test:

Tester : If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Santa : SEVEN!

Tester : No, listen carefully again. If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Santa : SEVEN!

Tester : Let's try another way.
If I give you two bottles of beer, and two bottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?

Santa : SIX.

Tester : Good! Now, if I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Santa : SEVEN!

Tester : How on Earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?

Santa : I've already got one rabbit at home.

Tester : #@$%@^#&$&*#$*#($((((!!!!!!!!!!

FWD:: Old Dog ~ Never mess with them

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An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he’s lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep shit now!”

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,
“Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?”
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

“Whew!,” says the panther, “That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!”
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!”

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?,” but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German
Shepherd says…

“Where’s that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!”
Moral of this story…
Don’t mess with the old dogs… Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bull Shit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

FWD:: Internet Jokes

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FWD:: The best Geek Quotes

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Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips."

The box said 'Requires Windows 95 or better'. So I installed LINUX.

In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?

MICROSOFT = Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny

Unix, DOS and Windows...the good, the bad and the ugly.

Failure is not an option -- it comes bundled with Windows.

ACs are like computers- Both work fine until you open Windows! 

FWD:: Facebook Homework

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Teacher – Where is your Homework?
Boy: Madam, please check in FACEBOOK.
I have uploded a copy of it and tagged you!

FWD:: What retired people do...

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Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well for example, the other day I went into town and went to a shop in High street.
I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on mate, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi Bastard. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So I called him a piece of stinking dog shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't give a shit. I came into town by bus.
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age.

FWD:: Be careful when talking with your wife!

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A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.
WIFE: - "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: - "Definitely not!"
WIFE: - "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: - "Of course I do."
WIFE: - "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: - "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: - "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: - (makes audible groan)
WIFE: - "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: - "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: - "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: - "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: - "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: - "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: - "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: - "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: - "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: - "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: - "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: - "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- Silence.
HUSBAND: -- Oh!! "shit."