FWD:: Amazing Brand Names Of Condoms

FWD::s for Socials

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Which condoms would you like to use?

Nike condoms : Just do it!

Toyota condoms : Oh, what a feeling

Diet Pepsi condoms : you got the right one baby

Pringles condoms : once you pop, you can't stop

Mentos condoms : the freshmaker

Flinstones vitamins condoms : ten million strong and growing

Secret condoms : strong enough for a man, but Ph balanced for a woman

Macintosh condoms : it does more, it costs less, it's that simple

Ford condoms : the best never rests

Chevy condoms : like a rock!

Dial condoms : aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?

New York lotto condoms : cause hey, you never know

Avis condoms : trying hardes than ever

Ever Ready condoms : keep going and going

KFC condoms : finger licking good

Coca-cola condoms : always the real thing

Lays condoms : betcha can't have just one

FWD:: The Element *Women*

FWD::s for Socials

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Element name : Women

Symbol : WO

Atomic weight : (don't even go there!)

Physical properties : Generally round in shape,
boils at nothing may freeze at anytime,
melts whenever treated properly,
very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties : very active,
posses strong affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones,
violent when left alone,
able to absorb great amounts of exotic foods,
turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage : highly ornamental,
an extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth,
probably the most powerful income reducing agent ever known to man.

Caution : highly explosive in inexperienced hands!

FWD:: Kidnapping

FWD::s for Socials

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A blonde in financial trouble decided to raise money by kidnapping a child. She went to a park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree, and wrote this note:

"I kidnapped your child. I'm sorry, but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the statue in the park by 7 AM. Signed, A Blonde."

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park, and found a brown bag behind the statue with $10,000 in it. Inside the bag, beside the cash, was another note:

"Here's your money. I can't believe that one blonde would do this to another!"

FWD:: Most Sarcastic Quotes II

FWD::s for Socials

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• You are not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse.
• Now we know why some animals eat their own children.
• Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.
• Talk is cheap, but that's ok, so are you.
• If we killed everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder…it would be an apocalypse!
• This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person.
• I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
• When I look into your eyes, I see straight through to the back of your head.
• A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.
• Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you any worse advice.
• Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today.
• Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to lie to myself and try to like you?
• Don't let your mind wander, it's far too small to be let out on its own.
• Don't thank me for insulting you, it was a pleasure.
• Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without you putting in so much effort to give us another?
• He always finds himself lost in thought; it's unfamiliar territory.
• I bet you get bullied a lot.
• I can tell that you are lying, your lips are moving.
• I don't know what makes you so dumb but it really works.
• I don't mind you talking so much, as long as you don't mind me not listening.
• I don't think you are a fool, but what's my opinion compared to that of thousands of others.
• I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you one day.
• I like you. People say I've got no taste, but I like you.
• I used to think that you were a colossal pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
• I will defend, to your death, my right to my opinion.
• I would have liked to insult you, but the sad truth is that you wouldn't understand me.
• I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up your ass.
• If you were twice as smart as you are now, you'd be absolutely stupid.
• I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.
• I'm impressed, I've never met such a small mind inside such a big head before.
• I've come across rotting bodies that are less offensive than you are.
• Pardon me, but you're obviously mistaking me for someone who gives a damn.
• People would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
• She's the first in her family born without tail.
• That man is cruelly depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
• There are several people in this world that I find unbearably obnoxious, and you are all of them.
• What he is lacking in intelligence, he more than makes up for in stupidity.
• Whatever it is that is eating you, it must be suffering horribly.
• What's wrong, don't you get any attention back home?
• You are not even beneath my contempt.
• You are not obnoxious like so many other people, you are obnoxious in a completely different and far worse way.
• You grow on people, but so does cancer.
• You have an inferiority complex and it is fully justified.
• You should do some soul-searching. You might just find one.
• You would never be able to live down to your reputation, but I see you're doing your best.
• Your mind isn't so much twisted as badly sprained.
• You're a habit I'd like to kick - with both feet.

Most Sarcastic Quotes I

FWD:: Most Sarcastic Quotes I

FWD::s for Socials

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1. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
4. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
5. Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
9. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
13. Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up

FWD:: The Brand New Hearing Aid

FWD::s for Socials

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Seems like an elderly gentleman had a serious hearing problem for a number of years. He went to see the doctor and the doctor fitted a set of hearing aids which allowed him to hear very well. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "your family must be really pleased that you can hear again". To which the gentleman replied, "oh, i haven't told them yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversation, i have changed my will three times for the past month!".

FWD:: Roachy Conversation

FWD::s for Socials

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Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one started a conversation, "I was in that new restaurant across the street, its so clean and the kitchen and the floor are spotless, there is no dirt anywhere, it is so sanitary the whole place shines. "Please" said the other roach frowning, "not while i an eating".

FWD:: A Risky Job

FWD::s for Socials

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This guy wales up one morning to find a gorilla in a tree in his backyard. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one. "is it a boy or a girl gorilla?" the service guy asks, to which the man responds "ar a boy." "oh yeah, i can help you. I'll be right there". An hour later the guy shows up with a stick, a chihuahua, a shotgun and a pair of handcuffs. "now i an going to climb this tree and sold the gorilla with my stick until he falls, when he does the trained chihuahua will bite the gorillas testicals off. The gorilla will them cross his hands to protect himself and allow you ty sty the handcuffs on him". The man asks, "what is the shotgun for?". The service guy replies, "if i fall out of the tree before the gorilla then shoot the chihuahua, cause I love my balls".

FWD:: Funny British Signs and Posters

FWD::s for Socials

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FWD:: Married 10 times still a Virgin ?

FWD::s for Socials

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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

FWD:: 1.4 Giga Pixel Camera Photo

FWD::s for Socials

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This is the most amazing photograph that I have seen. You can zoom to any part of the photo and see clearly what clothes people are wearing or even read the letters on the caps. Bush is holding a glass of water.

Read these first before you click on the link below.

This picture was taken during the oath ceremony of President elect of the U.S.

The picture was taken by a 1.4 Giga Pixel camera, its GIGA. not MEGA pixel, so that will be equivalent to 1400 Megapixel where as general cameras are around 8-10 megapixels.

Once you click on the link, you will the image in its entirity.

Towards the left there is the scale where you can enlarge the photo, from the screen (default) view, you cannot even makeout Obama. Search for him and then enlarge the picture moving the key on your left.You can see others like Mr & Mrs Bush ,the Clintons EVERYONE

It might take some time for the pic to become clear, but you will be amazed at the clarity and then just wonder how big the total size of the picture will be.

Check the Link: http://gigapan. org/viewGigapanF ullscreen. php?auth= 033ef14483ee8994 966! 48c2b4b0 6233c

FWD:: Long Hair

FWD::s for Socials

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FWD:: A Grim Fairy Tale [Editor's Choice]

FWD::s for Socials

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FWD:: Blonde's Dream

FWD::s for Socials

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One day a blonde kept having the same weird dream everyday, so she went to her doctor.

Doctor: What was your dream about?
Blonde: I was being chase by a vampire!

Doctor: (giggles quitely) So... what is the scenery like?
Blonde: I was running in a hall way.

Doctor: Then what happened?

Blonde: Well that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge!

Doctor: Does the door have any letters on it?
Blonde: Yes it did.

Doctor: And what did these letter spell?
Blonde: It said "Pull"

FWD:: IF MEN WROTE THE RULES

FWD::s for Socials

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Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?

Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.

Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived

FWD:: Prison vs Office

FWD::s for Socials

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- - - - - - - - - - - -

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK....you spend most of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
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IN PRISON...you get three meals a day (free).AT WORK.....you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it yourself.
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IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK.....you get rewarded for good behavior with more WORK.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks the doors for you.
AT WORK.....you must carry around a security card and unlock open all the doors yourself.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK.....you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
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IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK.....you have to share.
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IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK.....you can not even speak to your family and friends.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work at all.
AT WORK.....you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
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IN PRISON...you spend most of your life looking through the bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK.....you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
- - - - - - - - - - - -

FWD:: Elephants vs Bananas ~ Try answering at least one :)

FWD::s for Socials

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An elephant has 5 bananas and it is hungry, but yet it does not eat the bananas. Why ?
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Because the bananas are made of plastic.






The 5 bananas are real , but yet the elephant does not eat it. Why?

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Because the elephant is made of plastic.

Hah ha a

never give up

one more..




Both the elephant and the bananas are real, but yet it cannot eat it.
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Why ?

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Because the bananas are in the TV.

Ooops!!! Cool down





Both the elephant and the bananas are real and in the TV, but yet it cannot eat it. Why?


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Because they are on different channels.

Hohohohoohohoh. .hehehe




Both the elephant and the bananas are real and in the TV and on the
same channel, but yet it cannot eat it. Why?
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Come on think...
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Because the TV is off.

Kikikikikiki J


Now Finally the Elephant gets a chance to eat the bananas.Why?















































Why are you thinking so much???

What has it done to you??

Let the poor elephant eat the bananas


Now get back to work

Don't look at me.
Even I am searching for the person who has sent it to me

so just push the little "share" button :)

FWD:: Who loves more?

FWD::s for Socials

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Two butterflies were in love.........

One day, they decided to play Hide n Seek.......
During the play.....
Boy Butterfly - "A small game within us"
Girl Butterfly - "OK"
Boy Butterfly - "The one who sits in this flower tomorrow early in the
morning.....that one loves the other one more....."
Girl Butterfly - "OK"
Next morning, the boy butterfly waits for the flower to open so that he can
sit before the girl butterfly does......
Finally, the flower opened.....
What did he see.....?????........
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The girl butterfly had died inside the flower.....
She stayed there all night......so that early in the morning......as soon as
she sees him.......she can fly to him and tell him how much she loved
him........
This is true LOVE....
Life is LOVE.......
LIVING MIGHT MEAN TAKING CHANCES, BUT THEY ARE WORTH TAKING......
LOVING MIGHT BE A MISTAKE, BUT ITS WORTH MAKING

FWD:: Mothers Against Drunk Driving [M.A.D.D Not what you think it is]

FWD::s for Socials

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I went to a party, Mom

You told me not to drink, Mom 

so I had a sprite instead. 

I felt proud of myself, Mom 

the way you said I would, 

that I didn't drink and drive, Mom 

though some friends said I should. 

I made a healthy choice, Mom

 

and your advice to me was right 

as the party finally ended, Mom 

and the kids drove out of sight. 

I got into my car, Mom 

sure to get home in one piece, 

I never knew what was coming, Mom 

something I expected least. 

Now I'm lying on the pavement, Mom

And I hear the policeman say, 

The kid that caused this wreck was drunk,"

Mom, His voice seems far away. 

My own blood's all around me, Mom 

as I try hard not to cry. 

I can hear the paramedic say, Mom

This girl is going to die." 

I'm sure the guy had no idea, Mom

while he was flying high, 

because he chose to drink and drive, Mom

now I would have to die. 

So why do people do it, Mom 

Knowing that it ruins lives? 

And now the pain is cutting me, Mom

like a hundred stabbing knives. 

Tell sister not to be afraid, Mom 

tell daddy to be brave, 

and when I go to heaven, Mom

put "Daddy's Girl" on my grave. 

Someone should have taught him, Mom 

that its wrong to drink and drive. 

Maybe if his parents had, Mom 

I'd still be alive. 

My breath is getting shorter, Mom

I'm getting really scared. 

These are my final moments, Mom

and I'm so unprepared. 

I wish that you could hold me Mom,

as I lie here and die. 

I wish that I could say I love you, Mom

So I love you and good-bye.

FWD:: Chinese Lantern Festival

FWD::s for Socials

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FWD:: How to escape a Heart Attack (Please share/re-tweet for you friends)

FWD::s for Socials

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Let's say it's 6.15 pm and you're going home (alone of course), after an unusually hard day on the job. You're really tired, upset and frustrated.

 

Suddenly you start experiencing severe pain in your chest that starts to radiate out into your arm and up into your jaw. You are only about five miles from the hospital nearest your home. Unfortunately you don't know if you'll be able to make it that far. You have been trained in CPR, but the guy that taught the course did not tell you how to perform it on yourself.

 

HOW TO SURVIVE A HEART ATTACK WHEN ALONE
Since many people are alone when they suffer a heart attack, without help,the person whose heart is beating improperly and who begins to feel faint, has only about 10 seconds left before losing consciousness.

 

However, these victims can help themselves by coughing repeatedly and very vigorously. A deep breath should be taken before each cough, and the cough must be deep and prolonged, as when producing sputum from deep inside the chest.

 

A breath and a cough must be repeated about every two seconds without let-up until help arrives, or until the heart is felt to be beating normally again.

 

Deep breaths get oxygen into the lungs and coughing movements squeeze the heart and keep the blood circulating. The squeezing pressure on the heart also helps it regain normal rhythm. In this way, heart attack victims can get to a hospital. Tell as many other people as possible about this. It could save their lives!!

 

A cardiologist says If everyone who gets this mail sends it to 10 people, you can bet that we'll save at least one life.

 

BE A FRIEND AND PLEASE SEND THIS ARTICLE TO AS MANY FRIENDS ! AS POSSIBLE

FWD:: How bad is the Economy? (LOL)

FWD::s for Socials

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…a picture is now worth only 200 words.

…Exxon-Mobil had to lay off 25 Congressmen.

…you now get a free bank with the purchase of a toaster oven.

…Kim Kardashian only spent $25 000 on her wedding dress. 

…jury duty is now considered a good-paying job.

…banks are now mailing us pre-declined credit cards.

…African TV now shows ‘Sponsor an American Child’ commercials.

…when you order a burger at McDonald’s, the kid asks, “Can you afford fries with that?”

…CEOs are playing miniature golf.

…ATMs now give IOUs!

…Mormon polygamists now only have one wife.

…if your the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you ask if they mean you or them.

…McDonald’s is now selling a quarter-ouncer.

…Angelina Jolie adopted an American child.

… Beverly Hills parents are firing their nannies and learning their children’s names.

…a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

…Motel Six no longer leaves the light on for you.

…a picture is now worth only 200 words.

…they renamed Wall Street ” Wal-Mart Street.”

…when Bill and Hillary travel together, they share a room.

…one Las Vegas casino is now managed by Somali pirates.

FWD:: Friends For Ever

FWD::s for Socials

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F RIEND
R esponsible
I ntelligent
E xciting to be Around
N ice Always
D ependable
S miles a Lot
●═══════════◄►══════════●
●═══════════◄►══════════●
F riendly Personality
O utstanding
R eally Great Memories
●═══════════◄►══════════●
●═══════════◄►══════════●
E xcellent Listener
V ery Kind
E njoyable
R emember our friendship

FWD:: Hyptonised

FWD::s for Socials

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It was opening night at the Orpheum theater and the Amazing hypnotist was topping the bill.

People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do her stuff.

As the Amazing hypnotist took to the stage, she announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as the hypnotist withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from her coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations."

She began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...".

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Shit" exclaimed the hypnotist.

FWD:: Old Ads of Coca Cola (Must see ones :))

FWD::s for Socials

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