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Thursday, September 29, 2011
Thursday, September 22, 2011
FWD: New software upgrades for WOMEN!
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A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________
Reply
DEAR Madam,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. Html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5..
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Good Looks 7.7.
Good Luck Madam!
A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________
Reply
DEAR Madam,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. Html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5..
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Good Looks 7.7.
Good Luck Madam!
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Monday, September 12, 2011
FWD:: Story To Pass On To Friends Going Through Tough Times
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One day a young lady was driving along with her father.
They came upon a storm, and the young lady asked her father, What should I do?”
He said “keep driving”. Cars began to pull over to the side, the storm was getting worse.
“What should I do.” The young lady asked?
“Keep driving,” her father replied.
On up a few feet, she noticed that eighteen wheelers were also pulling over. She told her dad, “I must pull over, I can barely see ahead. It is terrible, and everyone is pulling over!”
Her father told her, “Don’t give up, just keep driving!”
Now the storm was terrible, but she never stopped driving, and soon she could see a little more clearly. After a couple of miles she was again on dry land, and the sun came out.
Her father said, “Now you can pull over and get out.”
She said “But why now?”
He said “When you get out, look back at all the people that gave up and are still in the storm, because you never gave up your storm is now over.
This is a testimony for anyone who is going through “hard times”.
Just because everyone else, even the strongest, gives up. You don’t have to….if you keep going, soon your storm will be over and the sun will shine upon your face again.
This story touched me! I hope it touched you!
One day a young lady was driving along with her father.
They came upon a storm, and the young lady asked her father, What should I do?”
He said “keep driving”. Cars began to pull over to the side, the storm was getting worse.
“What should I do.” The young lady asked?
“Keep driving,” her father replied.
On up a few feet, she noticed that eighteen wheelers were also pulling over. She told her dad, “I must pull over, I can barely see ahead. It is terrible, and everyone is pulling over!”
Her father told her, “Don’t give up, just keep driving!”
Now the storm was terrible, but she never stopped driving, and soon she could see a little more clearly. After a couple of miles she was again on dry land, and the sun came out.
Her father said, “Now you can pull over and get out.”
She said “But why now?”
He said “When you get out, look back at all the people that gave up and are still in the storm, because you never gave up your storm is now over.
This is a testimony for anyone who is going through “hard times”.
Just because everyone else, even the strongest, gives up. You don’t have to….if you keep going, soon your storm will be over and the sun will shine upon your face again.
This story touched me! I hope it touched you!
FWD:: 3 Stupid Stages of Life
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Teen age:
Have Time + Energy … but No Money
Working Age:
Have Money + Energy …but No Time
Have Money + Energy …but No Time
Old age:
Have Time + Money … but no Energy
FWD:: Big John’s Management Lesson
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At the next stop,a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He stared at the driver and said, “big John doesn’t pay”
And sat down at the back.
The driver was naturally week,little shorter than big John,so he didn’t argue with big John,but he wasn’t happy about it, the next day the same thing happened-big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down, and the next day and so on…
This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he could tolerate it no longer, he signed up for body building courses, karate, judo and all that good stuffs.
By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong: what’s more, he felt really good about himself. So on the next Monday, when big John once again got on the bus and said “big John doesn’t pay”, the driver stood up, stared back at big John,and screamed “and why not?
With a surprised look on his face, big John replied “big John has a buss pass”
Management lesson: “be sure there is a problem in the very first place, before working hard to solve the problem”
One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started the bus and drove off along the rout. No problems for the few first stops, few people got on, few got off, and things went generally well.
At the next stop,a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He stared at the driver and said, “big John doesn’t pay”
And sat down at the back.
The driver was naturally week,little shorter than big John,so he didn’t argue with big John,but he wasn’t happy about it, the next day the same thing happened-big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down, and the next day and so on…
This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he could tolerate it no longer, he signed up for body building courses, karate, judo and all that good stuffs.
By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong: what’s more, he felt really good about himself. So on the next Monday, when big John once again got on the bus and said “big John doesn’t pay”, the driver stood up, stared back at big John,and screamed “and why not?
With a surprised look on his face, big John replied “big John has a buss pass”
Management lesson: “be sure there is a problem in the very first place, before working hard to solve the problem”
FWD:: Not Seeing Your Wife For 03 Days
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A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
FWD:: Smart Little Girl
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A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter on the wall over the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercings and tattoos and his big motorcycle.
But is not only that Mum, I'm pregnant and John said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we may want.
In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit for you to know your grandchildren. Your daughter, Judith.
P.S.: Mum, it's not true. I'm at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in the desk drawer.
But is not only that Mum, I'm pregnant and John said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we may want.
In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit for you to know your grandchildren. Your daughter, Judith.
P.S.: Mum, it's not true. I'm at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in the desk drawer.
FWD:: Very Cold Winter
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It was autumn, and the Red Indians asked their New Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a Red Indian chief in a modern society, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his Tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,' the weather man responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Is it going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'It's definitely going to be a very cold winter.'
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again.
'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' 'Absolutely,' The man replied. 'It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'
'How can you be so sure?' the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Red Indians are collecting wood like crazy.'
This is how stock markets work!
It was autumn, and the Red Indians asked their New Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a Red Indian chief in a modern society, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his Tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,' the weather man responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Is it going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'It's definitely going to be a very cold winter.'
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again.
'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' 'Absolutely,' The man replied. 'It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'
'How can you be so sure?' the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Red Indians are collecting wood like crazy.'
This is how stock markets work!
FWD:: The Gender Test
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The Gender Test!
Are you male or female?
To know the answer, look down...
NOT HERE... MY FRIEND
I SAID LOOK DOWN....
NOT SCROLL DOWN!!
The Gender Test!
Are you male or female?
To know the answer, look down...
NOT HERE... MY FRIEND
I SAID LOOK DOWN....
NOT SCROLL DOWN!!
FWD:: Software production Cycle
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What are the OFFSHORE and
ONSITE Project Managers doing?
What is the CLIENT doing?
What are SOFTWARE PROGRAMMERS doing?
What is the Big Boss doing?
What are the OFFSHORE and
ONSITE Project Managers doing?
What is the CLIENT doing?
What are SOFTWARE PROGRAMMERS doing?
What is the Big Boss doing?
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