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Mom: How did you find school today?
Little Johnny: I think we need a new teacher!
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
FWD:: Little Jhonny's sayings
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Keep the school tidy; throw your rubbish out of the windows.
Our teacher’s a peach; she’s got a heart of stone!
Our teacher’s a treasure; we wonder where she was dug up!
Our geography teacher is so bad he got lost showing some parents around the school.
I like teachers when they’re at home!
Don’t be late for school in the morning; stay in bed until the afternoon.
Teacher is an anagram of cheater.
My teacher used to be a werewolf; but she’s howl right now.
The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain; but over here it always falls on the school holidays!
I’m teacher’s pet; she can’t afford a dog.
Teachers are very special; they’re in a class of their own.
A bird in the hand – can make a terrible mess.
Little Johnny: I didn’t write that stuff. I can’t even read yet!
FWD:: A blonde Millionaire
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Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.
The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"
Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"
Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?
Is it........
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush
Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."
"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...
No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.
Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?
Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."
(ringing)
Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."
Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.
The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.
There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."
Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush"
Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."
Barbara: "You think?"
Maggie: "I'm sure."
Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)
Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"
Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"
Regis: "Is that your final answer?"
Barbara: "It is."
Regis: "Are you confident?"
Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."
Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.
Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."
(clapping)
That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?
Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."
Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.
The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"
Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"
Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?
Is it........
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush
Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."
"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...
No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.
Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?
Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."
(ringing)
Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."
Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.
The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.
There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."
Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush"
Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."
Barbara: "You think?"
Maggie: "I'm sure."
Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)
Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"
Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"
Regis: "Is that your final answer?"
Barbara: "It is."
Regis: "Are you confident?"
Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."
Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.
Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."
(clapping)
That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?
Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."
FWD:: A Wise Advice To Live Longer
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"You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal, see. If you do, you'll live to a nice ripe old age."
So the young lad did this religiously every day, and sure enough, lived to the nice ripe old age of 96.
When he died, he left behind 4 children, 8 grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren...and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
FWD:: Blonde paint Job
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A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
FWD:: A Little Fun Every Day
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I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres! So I called him a piece of horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.
FWD:: The true story behind the Internet
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A revelation with an Incredibly Big Message (IBM):
Well, you might have thought that you knew how the
Internet started,
but here’s the TRUE story ….
In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by
the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself
a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com
was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and
long of leg. Indeed, she was often called
Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham,
her husband: “Why dost thou travel so far from town
to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever
leaving thy tent?”
And Abraham did look at her – as though she were
several saddle bags short of a camel load,
but simply said: “How, dear?”
And Dot replied: “I will place drums in all the towns
and drums in between to send messages saying what
you have for sale, and they will reply telling you
who hath the best price.
And the sale can be made on the drums and
delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).”
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot
have her way with the drums. And the drums rang
out and were an immediate success.
Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top
price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing
what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system
that only she and the drummers knew.
It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS),
and she also developed a language to transmit ideas
and pictures – Hebrew To The People (HTTP)
But this success did arouse envy. A man named
Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham’s drum
and began to siphon off some of Abraham’s business.
But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted -
for insider trading. And the young men did take to
Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy Horsefly take to
camel dung.
They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich
Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new
riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one
noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising
drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought
off every drum maker in the land.
And indeed did insist on drums to be made that
would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say: “Oh, Abraham, what we have
started is being taken over by others.”
And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or
eBay as it came to be known. He said: “We need
a name that reflects what we are.”
And Dot replied: “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.”
“YAHOO,” said Abraham.
And because it was Dot’s idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham’s cousin, Joshua, being the young
Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he
was, soon started using Dot’s drums to locate things
around the countryside. It soon became known as
God’s Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE)
And the world was all a Twitter!!!!
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