Tuesday, August 23, 2011
FWD:: A blonde and her car
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A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, “There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”
“That doesn’t matter,” replied the blonde, “if I only can sell the car.”
“Okay,” said the brunette. “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter on your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore.”
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, “Did you sell your car?”
“No,” replied the blonde, “why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!”
FWD:: Bake Me a Cake
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A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?”
The husband says, “What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?”
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, the car won’t start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?”
He says, “What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?”
Another few days go by, and it’s raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, “Honey, there’s a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?”
He says, “What do I look like, Bob Vila?”
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened.
“Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them,” she says.
“Great! How much is that going to cost me?” he snarls.
Wife says, “Nothing. He said he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him.”
“Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?” asks the husband.
“What do I look like,” she says, “Betty Crocker?”
FWD:: See this carefully and make a wish
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A man received this picture and immediately sent out copies. His surprise
was winning the lottery.
Alberto Martinez received this picture, gave it to his secretary to make copies
but they forgot to distribute it. She lost her job and he lost his family.
This picture is miraculous and sacred, don't forget to forward this within 13
days to at least 20 people.
DO NOT FORGET TO SHARE THIS!
A man received this picture and immediately sent out copies. His surprise
was winning the lottery.
Alberto Martinez received this picture, gave it to his secretary to make copies
but they forgot to distribute it. She lost her job and he lost his family.
This picture is miraculous and sacred, don't forget to forward this within 13
days to at least 20 people.
DO NOT FORGET TO SHARE THIS!
FWD:: ENGLISH IS A FUNNY LANGUAGE
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A humorous poem: For your pleasure only.
Only the English could have invented this language !!!
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Then shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim! Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England .
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends
And get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
Should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
In which your house can burn up as it burns down,
In which you fill in a form by filling it out,
And in which an alarm goes off by going on. And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop? And if people from Poland are called Poles
Then people from Holland should be Holes
And the Germans, Germs. And let's not forget the Americans, who changed s to z, but that's another story.
A humorous poem: For your pleasure only.
Only the English could have invented this language !!!
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Then shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim! Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England .
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends
And get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
Should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
In which your house can burn up as it burns down,
In which you fill in a form by filling it out,
And in which an alarm goes off by going on. And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop? And if people from Poland are called Poles
Then people from Holland should be Holes
And the Germans, Germs. And let's not forget the Americans, who changed s to z, but that's another story.
FWD:: Check You Grammar Skills
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How fast can you guess these words?
1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6. _ _NDOM
Answers:
1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM
You got all 6 wrong, didn't you?
FWD:: Real Definitions Of People In Life
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ADULT
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR
A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF
Cold Storage.
INFLATION
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN
An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES
Something other people have, similar to my character lines
FWD:: Top 50 April Fools Day Pranks
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50. Borrow someone’s cell phone and change the language setting to a foreign language.
49. Change the language for Google on someone’s computer.
48. Change the coffee in the office coffee maker to decaf.
47. Swap the signs on the men’s and ladies’ rest rooms.
46. Hide scented air fresheners all over someone’s office.
45. Add food coloring to milk that comes in a cardboard container.
44. Add food coloring to the windshield washer fluid of someone’s car.
43. Switch around random keys on someone’s keyboard who isn’t a very good typist.
42. Switch the Push and Pull signs on a set of doors.
41. Hide food in a trash can and when someone comes by grab some and eat it.
40. Replace Oreo cream-filling with toothpaste and offer one to someone.
39. Dip the tips of someone’s cigarettes in Orajel so their lips will go numb.
38. Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
37. Cup some water in your hand and pretend to sneeze on the back of someone’s head.
36. Take something from someone’s office and leave them a ransom note.
35. Add several odd appointments with alarms set to go off during the day to a co-worker’s Outlook
calendar.
34. Hide all of the desktop icons on someone’s computer and replace the monitor’s wallpaper with a screen-
shot of their desktop.
33. Put a “Please Use Other Door” sign on the entrance to your office building if it only has one entrance.
32. Put a balloon on the tailpipe of a someone’s car so it will pop when they start their car.
31. Glue the headset of someone’s phone down to the cradle.
30. Take the door knob off a door and put it back on backwards, then lock it and leave the door open.
29. Put plastic wrap around the door frame of a commonly used door.
28. Cover a toilet seat with plastic wrap.
27. Take a squirt gun into the rest room stall next to someone and shoot little drops over the wall every
couple of seconds while pretending to pee.
26. Leave a note on someone’s car apologizing for an accident that never actually happened.
25. Glue all the eggs into the carton.
24. Hard boil all the eggs in the carton and place them back in the refrigerator.
23. Paint a bar of soap completely with clear nail polish so it won’t suds up.
22. Turn every setting in someone’s car to the maximum: the heat, the radio, the wipers, the seats, etc.
21. Place a small piece of Post-it note over the ball under someone’s computer mouse so that it won’t work.
20. Switch the handles on the refrigerator to the side that doesn’t open.
19. Conference call two people then don’t say anything, just listen.
18. Place a ‘house for sale’ ad in the newspaper for someone’s home.
17. Paint the tips of someone’s pen and pencil with clear nail polish so none of them work.
16. Hide a small radio in the ceiling tiles above someone’s desk and turn it on very softly.
15. Fill someone’s hair-dryer with baby powder.
14. Put marbles in the hubcaps of someone’s car.
13. Leave cryptic notes warning someone of an impending prank then do nothing all day.
12. Rubber band the sprayer on the kitchen sink into the “on” position.
11. Place a pair of pants and shoes inside the only toilet stall in a rest room to make it appear someone is
using it all day.
10. Pour vegetable oil on the exhaust of someone’s car so it will smoke when started up.
9. Hide an alarm clock in someone’s bedroomand set it for 3:00 a.m.
8. Remove the shower head and place a Lifesavers candy in it, then put the head back on.
7. Remove the shower head and place a chicken bouillon cube in it, then put the head back on.
6. Rearrange somebody’s drawers or file cabinets in a different order.
5. Tape magnets to the bottom of a cup, put it on the roof of your car and drive around.
4. Put food coloring in the hand soap dispenser.
3. Put an ad in the paper for a garage sale at someone’s house beginning at 6 a.m.
2. Buy some underwear, write a co-worker’s name in them, then leave them on the floor of the office bathroom.
1. Install the Blue Screen of Death screen-saver on someone’s computer.
FWD:: Wireless Baby Locator
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With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
"May I see the new baby?" I asked
"Not yet," She said "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, "May I see the new baby now?"
"No, not yet," She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, "May I see the baby now?"
"No, not yet," replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, "Well, when can I see the baby?"
"When he cries!" she told me.
"When he cries?" I asked puzzled. "Why do I have to wait until he cries?"
"Because I forgot where I put him ok?!?"
FWD:: Nice Letters
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Dear Wife:
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn’t even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.
Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don’t try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
————————————————————————————————————-
Dear Ex-Husband,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn’t work.
I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Heck and Free!
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.
FWD:: A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father
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A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands directly next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his haircut, eating her snack cake.
The barber says to her, “Sweetheart, you’re gonna get hair on your Twinkie.”
She says, “I know. I’m gonna get boobs too. “
FWD:: Time to do the FRIDAY dance
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Put your hands in da air and wave 'em like you just don't care cause
it's .......
It's Friday BABY!!!!!
Time to do the Friday dance!!!!!
Put your hands in da air and wave 'em like you just don't care cause
it's .......It's Friday BABY!!!!!
Time to do the Friday dance!!!!!
FWD:: How men hear what women say
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What a woman says…
This place is a mess! C’mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You’ll have no clothes to wear if we
Don’t do laundry right now
What a man hears…
Blah blah blah blah blah C’MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
Blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
Blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!
FWD:: Best Out of Office Auto Replies
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1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
2: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.
3: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless mails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will
be deleted in the order it was received.
be deleted in the order it was received.
4: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first ten words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.
5: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.’(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
6: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
7: I’ve run away to join a different circus.
AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE PRIZE:
8: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘ Margaret ‘ instead of ‘Steve’.
FWD:: Selecting New Employees
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Put about 100 bricks in no particular order in a closed room with an open window. Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation.
If they are counting the bricks -Put them in the accounts department.
If they are recounting them – Put them in auditing.
If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks – Put them in engineering.
If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order – Put them in planning.
If they are throwing the bricks at each other – Put them in construction.
If they are sleeping – Put them in reception
If they have broken the bricks into pieces – Put them in IT.
If they are sitting idle – Put them in human resources.
If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved – Put them in sales.
If they have already left for the day – Put them in marketing.
If they are staring out of the window – Put them on strategic planning.
And then last but not least.
If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved -
Congratulate them and put them in management !!!
FWD:: The Bad News Just Gets WORSE!
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At dawn the telephone rings. “Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.”
“Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”
“Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod that your parrot died.
“My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?”
“Yes, Senor, that’s the one.”
“Damn! That’s a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird.” “What did he die from?”
“From eating rotten meat, Senor Rod”
“Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?”
“Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”
“Dead horse? What dead horse?”
“The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.”
“My prize thoroughbred is dead?”
“Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.”
“Are you insane? What water cart?”
“The one we used to put out the fire, Senor”
“Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?”
“The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.”
“What the hell??….Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!!
“Yes Senor Rod.”
“But there’s electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?”
“For the funeral, Senor Rod.”
“WHAT BLO ##**& ODY FUNERAL??”
“Your wife’s, Senor Rod… She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, So I hit her with your new Tiger Woods’ Nike Driver.”
SILENCE……………… ,
LONG SILENCE….
“Ernesto if you broke that driver, you’re in deep s#$t!”
FWD:: The Best Letter of Recommendation
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While working with Mr. Xxxxxx, I have always found him
working studiously and sincerely at his table without
gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom
wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always
finishes the given assignment in time. He is always
deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be
found chitchatting in the canteen. He has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound
knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be
classed as outstanding, and should on no account be
dispensed with. I strongly feel that Mr. Xxxxxx should be
pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to management be
sent away as soon as possible.
working studiously and sincerely at his table without
gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom
wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always
finishes the given assignment in time. He is always
deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be
found chitchatting in the canteen. He has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound
knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be
classed as outstanding, and should on no account be
dispensed with. I strongly feel that Mr. Xxxxxx should be
pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to management be
sent away as soon as possible.
Branch Manager
A second note following the report:
Mr. X was present when I was writing the report mailed to you today. Kindly read only the alternate lines 1, 3, 5, 7, etc… for my true assessment of him.
Regards,
Branch Manager
FWD:: 6 Phases of a Project
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Mentioned below are 6 stages in a project life cycle.. How True!!
1) Enthusiasm
2) Disillusionment
3) Panic
4) Search for the guilty
5) Punishment of the innocent
6) Praise and honours for non-participants
FWD:: Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T)
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In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from
employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through
our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying
to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job,
please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the
S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you
get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through
our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying
to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job,
please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the
S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you
get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Employees who don’t take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL
EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take
D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING
(E.A.T.S.H.I.T.).
EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take
D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING
(E.A.T.S.H.I.T.).
Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don’t
have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in job training others.
We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST
(B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.).
have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in job training others.
We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST
(B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.).
Those who are full of B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can
apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.).
apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.).
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING,
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).
Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL,
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
FWD:: Smart Student
checkout this FWD!
The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late.
Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.
A 'smart' student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?"
As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look.
"Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."
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