Wednesday, August 24, 2011
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FWD:: Women are always Clever
checkout this FWD!
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."
Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you...to leave."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you...to leave."
Man: "Hey Cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
Man: "May I see you pretty soon?"
Woman: "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"
Woman: "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"
Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"
FWD:: Bonus Payments
checkout this FWD!
The Pentagon recently found it had way too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away would get his full annual benefits plus 10,000 Dollars for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of 720,000 Dollars.
The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for 960,000 Dollars.
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of 720,000 Dollars.
The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for 960,000 Dollars.
When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles."
The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice cheques the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.
The medical officer arrived and asked the general to drop the pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back.
"My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?"
The general replied, "One in Iraq and the other in Afghanistan... Keep measuring!!"
The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice cheques the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.
The medical officer arrived and asked the general to drop the pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back.
"My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?"
The general replied, "One in Iraq and the other in Afghanistan... Keep measuring!!"
FWD:: How I want my team when i am the PM
checkout this FWD!
When I become PROJECT MANAGER
my team members will be
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my team members will be
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FWD:: The Secret to Happy Married Life
checkout this FWD!
Once I was asked by my Friend, "What is the secret behind your happy married life?"
I said, "You should share responsibilities with due love and respect each other then there will absolutely be no problems."
He asked, "Can you explain?"
I said, "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other's decisions."
Still not convinced, the friend asked me "Give me some examples."
I said," Smaller issues like, which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit home town, which Sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator , monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc are decided by my wife. I just agree to it."
He asked, "Then what is your role?"
I said," My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether should America attack Iran? Whether Britain should lift sanction over Zimbabwe? Whether to widen African economy? Whether Sachin Tendulkar should retire? Etc., etc. And do you know one thing? My wife NEVER, EVER objects to any of these"
FWD:: Secret of Best Corn (A good message)
checkout this FWD!
There was a Nebraska farmer who grew award-winning corn. Each year he entered his corn in the state fair where it won a blue ribbon.
One year a newspaper reporter interviewed him and learned something interesting about how he grew it. The reporter discovered that the farmer shared his seed corn with his neighbors.
"How can you afford to share your best seed corn with your neighbors when they are entering corn in competition with yours each year?" the reporter asked.
"Why sir," said the farmer, "didn't you know? The wind picks up pollen from the ripening corn and swirls it from field to field. If my neighbors grow inferior corn, cross-pollination will steadily degrade the quality of my corn. If I am to grow good corn, I must help my neighbors grow good corn."
He is very much aware of the connectedness of life. His corn cannot improve unless his neighbor's corn also improves.
The same logic applies to the other dimensions. Those who choose to be at peace must help their neighbors to be at peace. Those who choose to live well must help others to live well, for the value of a life is measured by the lives it touches. And those who choose to be happy must help others to find happiness for the welfare of each is bound up with the welfare of all.
The lesson for each of us is this:
If we have to be happy, we should help us neighbor be happy.
FWD:: Republican vs Democrate
checkout this FWD!
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude
and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you
help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know
where I am."The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air
balloon, approximatly 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above
sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes North Latitude and 100
degrees, 49.09 minutes West Longitude.
"She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still
lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama Democrate."
"I am," replied the balloonest. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going.
You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made
a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your
problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but
somehow, now it's my fault."
and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you
help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know
where I am."The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air
balloon, approximatly 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above
sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes North Latitude and 100
degrees, 49.09 minutes West Longitude.
"She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still
lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama Democrate."
"I am," replied the balloonest. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going.
You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made
a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your
problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but
somehow, now it's my fault."
FWD:: Passwords used by Celebrities
checkout this FWD!
Abhishek Bachchan - P Ash Word
Amitabh Bachchan - rekha
Shahrukh Khan - ppppassword
Madhuri Dixit - 12345678910111213
Shahid Kapur - Paffword
Bill Gates - pMSword
Barack Obama - TheBlackHouse
Deve Gowda -zzZZZ
Sunil Bharti Mittal - KhuljaSIMSIM
Vijay Mallya: calendarshouldhave20months
Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar - India
RahulDravid - Nothing shall pass
Saurav Ganguly - Iamthebest
Navjot Singh Sidhu - lol
Emraan Hashmi - Muaaaaah
Nana Patekar - Kaekopoocha
Gabbar Singh - Aakthoo!!
Anu Malik will use passwords chosen by somebody else
Rajnikanth doesn't need a password
ACP Pradyuman - daya_darwaza_tod_do
Amitabh Bachchan - rekha
Shahrukh Khan - ppppassword
Madhuri Dixit - 12345678910111213
Shahid Kapur - Paffword
Bill Gates - pMSword
Barack Obama - TheBlackHouse
Deve Gowda -zzZZZ
Sunil Bharti Mittal - KhuljaSIMSIM
Vijay Mallya: calendarshouldhave20months
Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar - India
RahulDravid - Nothing shall pass
Saurav Ganguly - Iamthebest
Navjot Singh Sidhu - lol
Emraan Hashmi - Muaaaaah
Nana Patekar - Kaekopoocha
Gabbar Singh - Aakthoo!!
Anu Malik will use passwords chosen by somebody else
Rajnikanth doesn't need a password
ACP Pradyuman - daya_darwaza_tod_do
FWD:: Difference Between Boys & Girls Profile in Facebook
checkout this FWD!
Typical Girl’s Profile in Facebook
Typical Boys Profile in Facebook
FWD:: Tales of Udurawana 2
checkout this FWD!
Letter from Udurawana to Bill Gates...
Dear Mr. Bill Gates,
We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice.
1. There is a button 'Start' but there is no 'Stop' button. We request you to check this.
2. One doubt is whether any 'Re-scooter' is available in system? I find only 'Re-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.
3. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this 'find' button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.
4. My child learnt 'Microsoft Word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when you will provide that?
5. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'My Computer': when you will provide the remaining items?
6.. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.
7. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only.
8. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?
9. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God sake please do not provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.
Regards,
U
P.S.
Last one to Mr. Bill Gates: Sir, how is it that your name is GATES but you are selling WINDOWS?
(read "Tales of Udurawana 1 - http://fwdsforsocials.blogspot.com/2011/08/fwd-tales-of-udurawana-editors-choice.html)
:)
FWD:: Prison vs Office
checkout this FWD!
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IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.AT WORK....you spend most of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
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IN PRISON...you get three meals a day (free).AT WORK.....you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it yourself.
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IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK.....you get rewarded for good behavior with more WORK.
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IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks the doors for you.
AT WORK.....you must carry around a security card and unlock open all the doors yourself.
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IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK.....you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
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IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK.....you have to share.
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IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK.....you can not even speak to your family and friends.
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IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work at all.
AT WORK.....you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
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IN PRISON...you spend most of your life looking through the bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK.....you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
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FWD:: Elephants vs Bananas ~ Try answering at least one :)
checkout this FWD!
An elephant has 5 bananas and it is hungry, but yet it does not eat the bananas. Why ?
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Because the bananas are made of plastic.
The 5 bananas are real , but yet the elephant does not eat it. Why?
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Because the elephant is made of plastic.
Hah ha a
never give up
one more..
Both the elephant and the bananas are real, but yet it cannot eat it.
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Why ?
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Because the bananas are in the TV.
Ooops!!! Cool down
Both the elephant and the bananas are real and in the TV, but yet it cannot eat it. Why?
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Because they are on different channels.
Hohohohoohohoh. .hehehe
Both the elephant and the bananas are real and in the TV and on the
same channel, but yet it cannot eat it. Why?
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Come on think...
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Because the TV is off.
Kikikikikiki J
Now Finally the Elephant gets a chance to eat the bananas.Why?
Why are you thinking so much???
What has it done to you??
Let the poor elephant eat the bananas
Now get back to work
Don't look at me.
Even I am searching for the person who has sent it to me
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Because the bananas are made of plastic.
The 5 bananas are real , but yet the elephant does not eat it. Why?
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Because the elephant is made of plastic.
Hah ha a
never give up
one more..
Both the elephant and the bananas are real, but yet it cannot eat it.
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Why ?
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Because the bananas are in the TV.
Ooops!!! Cool down
Both the elephant and the bananas are real and in the TV, but yet it cannot eat it. Why?
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.
.
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,.
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Because they are on different channels.
Hohohohoohohoh. .hehehe
Both the elephant and the bananas are real and in the TV and on the
same channel, but yet it cannot eat it. Why?
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Come on think...
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Because the TV is off.
Kikikikikiki J
Now Finally the Elephant gets a chance to eat the bananas.Why?
Why are you thinking so much???
What has it done to you??
Let the poor elephant eat the bananas
Now get back to work
Don't look at me.
Even I am searching for the person who has sent it to me
so just push the little "share" button :)
FWD:: 3 facts about girls
checkout this FWD!
2. Boys go to college to develop the mind; girls go to college to catch them before this happens.
3. Arguing with a girl is like wrestling with a pig in the mud. After some time, u realize that u r getting dirty, but the pig is actually enjoying.
FWD:: Resisting a violent husband
checkout this FWD!
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.
Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes
home drunk,
just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth.
Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is
asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and
reborn.
Woman: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came
home drunk,
I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch
me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
FWD:: Official Facebook Assicons
checkout this FWD!
We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where :) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :o) and :o( respectively. Well, how about some "assicons "Here's a few:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_^^_) a bubble ass
(_*_) a sore ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_o^^o_) a wise ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass"
FWD:: Some emotions you aren't aware of
checkout this FWD!
We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where :) means a smile and
:( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :o) and :o( respectively. Well, how about
some "assicons "?Here's a few:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_^^_) a bubble ass
(_*_) a sore ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_o^^o_) a wise ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass"
FWD:: MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE
checkout this FWD!
‘Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.’
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MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
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FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine..
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7.. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Redial person on cell phone.
25. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
26. Release Parking Brake.
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
‘Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.’
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MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
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FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine..
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7.. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Redial person on cell phone.
25. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
26. Release Parking Brake.
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