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Tuesday, August 30, 2011
FWD:: A Very Religious Horse
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Once a man bought a horse. You had to say ?hallelujah? to make it go and ?amen? to make it stop.
The man was riding his horse one day but then he realized he was riding to an edge of a cliff.
He was so scared he forgot how to make the horse stop. He thought this was the end of his life and he started praying, ending the prayer by saying ?amen?.
The horse suddenly stopped at the edge of the cliff. 'hallelujah' said the man with a sigh of relief and off went the horse?
FWD:: Two Blind Pilots
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Two blind pilots both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough in to the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into t heir magazines, secure in the knowledge that the pl ane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,"ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
FWD:: Surrogate Father And His Canon
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The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, madam. I've come to...." "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of babies" "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat" After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!" "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me" "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results" "My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure" "Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London" "Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with" "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look" "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. "Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your, um......equipment?" "That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we can get to work." "Tripod?????" "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"
FWD:: Hot To Write university Exam Paper
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1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lit place in front of your computer.
2. Log onto Facebook and Gmail. Check your email.
3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some chocolate to help you concentrate.
5. Check your email.
6. Call up a friend and ask if he/she wants to go to grab a coffee. Just to get settled down and ready to work.
7. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lit place.
8. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
9. Check your email.
10. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.
11. Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
12. Grab some mp3's off of itunes.
13. Check your email.
14. Facebook chat with one of your friends about the future.
15. Check your email.
16. Listen to your new mp3s and download some more.
17. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if she's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your professor, the course, the college, and the world at large.
18. Walk to the store and buy a pack of gum. You've probably run out.
19. While you've got the gum you may as well buy a magazine and read it.
20. Check your email.
21. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV.
22. Play some solitare.
23. Check out nowthatsnifty.blogspot.com.
24. Wash your hands.
25. Call up a friend to see how much they have done, probably haven't started either.
26. Look through your roomate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.
27. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
28. Check to see if nowthatsnifty.blogspot.com has been updated yet.
29. Check your email and listen to your new mp3s.
30. You should be rebooting by now, assuming that windows is crashing on schedule.
31. Read over the assignment one more time, just for heck of it.
32. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
33. Lie face down on the floor and moan.
34. Punch the wall and break something.
35. Check your email.
36. Mumble obscenities.
37. 5am - start writing on the paper without stopping. 6am - paper is finished.
38. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write that stupid paper.
39. Go to class, hand in paper, and leave right away so you can take a nap.
1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lit place in front of your computer.
2. Log onto Facebook and Gmail. Check your email.
3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some chocolate to help you concentrate.
5. Check your email.
6. Call up a friend and ask if he/she wants to go to grab a coffee. Just to get settled down and ready to work.
7. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lit place.
8. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
9. Check your email.
10. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.
11. Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
12. Grab some mp3's off of itunes.
13. Check your email.
14. Facebook chat with one of your friends about the future.
15. Check your email.
16. Listen to your new mp3s and download some more.
17. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if she's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your professor, the course, the college, and the world at large.
18. Walk to the store and buy a pack of gum. You've probably run out.
19. While you've got the gum you may as well buy a magazine and read it.
20. Check your email.
21. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV.
22. Play some solitare.
23. Check out nowthatsnifty.blogspot.com.
24. Wash your hands.
25. Call up a friend to see how much they have done, probably haven't started either.
26. Look through your roomate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.
27. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
28. Check to see if nowthatsnifty.blogspot.com has been updated yet.
29. Check your email and listen to your new mp3s.
30. You should be rebooting by now, assuming that windows is crashing on schedule.
31. Read over the assignment one more time, just for heck of it.
32. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
33. Lie face down on the floor and moan.
34. Punch the wall and break something.
35. Check your email.
36. Mumble obscenities.
37. 5am - start writing on the paper without stopping. 6am - paper is finished.
38. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write that stupid paper.
39. Go to class, hand in paper, and leave right away so you can take a nap.
FWD:: Deposit in Bank
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The old native American wanted a loan for $500. The banker pulled out the loan application, “What are you going to do with the money?”
“Take jewellery to city and sell it,” was the response.
“What have you got for collateral?”
“Don’t know collateral.”
“Well that’s something of value that would cover the cost of the loan.Have you got any vehicles?”
“Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup.”
The banker shook his head, “How about livestock?”
“Yes, I have a horse.”
“How old is it?”
“Don’t know, has no teeth.”
Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.
Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, “Here to pay.” he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.
“What are you going to do with the rest of that money?”
“Put in tepee.”
“Why don’t you deposit it in my bank,” he asked.
“Don’t know deposit.”
“You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it.”
The old Indian leaned across the desk, “What you got for collateral?”
FWD:: Anagram That Mean It!!!
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A decimal point = I’m a dot in place
Dormitory = dirty room
Vacation times = I’m not as active
A gentleman = elegant man
Snooze alarms = Alas, no more Z’s
Conversation = voices rant on
Desperation = a rope ends it
Debit card = bad credit
Eleven plus two = twelve plus one
The detectives = detect thieves
The Morse code = Here come dots!
George Bush = He bugs Gore
William Shakespeare = I am a weakish speller (or) I’ll make a wise phrase
Elvis Aaron Presley = Seen alive? Sorry pal!
Chairman Mao = I am on a march
Clint Eastwood = Old West action
Listen = silent
School master = the classroom
Christmas tree = search, set, trim
Slot machine = cash lost in ‘em
Statue of Liberty = built to stay free
The public art galleries = Large picture halls, I bet
Election results = Lies- let’s recount
Slot Machines = Cash Lost in ‘em
Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler
The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet
The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake
Coins kept = In pockets
The countryside = No city dust here.
A decimal point = I’m a dot in place
Dormitory = dirty room
Vacation times = I’m not as active
A gentleman = elegant man
Snooze alarms = Alas, no more Z’s
Conversation = voices rant on
Desperation = a rope ends it
Debit card = bad credit
Eleven plus two = twelve plus one
The detectives = detect thieves
The Morse code = Here come dots!
George Bush = He bugs Gore
William Shakespeare = I am a weakish speller (or) I’ll make a wise phrase
Elvis Aaron Presley = Seen alive? Sorry pal!
Chairman Mao = I am on a march
Clint Eastwood = Old West action
Listen = silent
School master = the classroom
Christmas tree = search, set, trim
Slot machine = cash lost in ‘em
Statue of Liberty = built to stay free
The public art galleries = Large picture halls, I bet
Election results = Lies- let’s recount
Slot Machines = Cash Lost in ‘em
Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler
The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet
The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake
Coins kept = In pockets
The countryside = No city dust here.
FWD:: Great Thoughts To Start Your Day With
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Respect cannot be demanded, it must be earned.
Respect is earned only by giving it away.
Respect is earned only by giving it away.
A smart man learns from his mistakes.
A wise man learns from the mistakes of others.
A wise man learns from the mistakes of others.
Never walk on the traveled path, because it only leads you where the others have been. (Graham Bell)
Always, there is a drop of madness in love, yet always, there is a drop of reason in madness. (F Nietzshe)
Time is very slow for those who wait,
very fast for those who are scared,
very long for those who lament,
very short for those who celebrate.
But, for those who love, time is eternity.
(William Shakespeare)
very fast for those who are scared,
very long for those who lament,
very short for those who celebrate.
But, for those who love, time is eternity.
(William Shakespeare)
Many people lose the small joys, in hope for the big happiness. (Pearl S Buck)
A good plan for today is better than a perfect plan for tomorrow. [George S Patton]
Why repeat the old errors, if there are so many new errors to commit. (Bertrand Russel)
If a drop of water falls in a lake, there is no identity.
But if it falls on a leaf of lotus, it shines like a pearl.
We need to choose the best place where we can shine.
But if it falls on a leaf of lotus, it shines like a pearl.
We need to choose the best place where we can shine.
When we reach for the stars, we may not quite get them, but we won’t come up with a handful of mud either. [Leo Burnett]
In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is do the right thing. The worst thing you can do is do nothing. [Theodore Roosevelt]
Love me when I less deserve it, because it’s then when I need it most. (Chinese Proverb)
If I could return to youth, I would commit all those errors again, but a bit earlier. (Tallulah Bankhead)
Nothing can be taught to a man; but it’s possible to help him to find the answer within himself. (Galileo Galilei)
FWD:: This Made Me Cry...
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I was walking around in a Target store, when I saw the lady in the cashier hand this little boy some money back.
The boy couldn’t have been more than 8 or 9 years old.
The Cashier said, ‘I’m sorry, but you don’t have enough money to buy this doll.’
Then the little boy turned to the old woman next to him: ”Nanny,
are you sure I don’t have enough money?”The old lady replied: ”You know that you don’t have enough money to buy this doll, my dear.”
Then she asked him to stay there for just 5 minutes while she went to look around for a cheaper one. She left quickly
The little boy was still holding the doll in his hand.
Finally, I walked toward him and I asked him who he wished to give this doll to
‘It’s the doll that my sister loved most and wanted so much for Christmas.
She was sure that Santa Claus would bring it to her.’
I replied to him that maybe Santa Claus would bring it to her after all, and not to worry.
But he replied to me sadly. ‘No, Santa Claus can’t bring it to her where she is now. I have to give the doll to my mummy so that she can give it to my sister when she goes there.’
His eyes were so sad while saying this. ‘My Sister has gone to be with God. Daddy says that Mummy is going to see God very soon too, so I thought that she could take the doll with her to give it to my sister .”
My heart nearly stopped.
The little boy looked up at me and said: ‘I told daddy to tell mummy not to go yet. I need her to wait until I come back from the shops.’
Then he showed me a very nice photo of himself. He was laughing. He then told me ‘I want mummy to take my picture with her so she won’t forget me.’
‘I love my mummy and I wish she didn’t have to leave me, but daddy says that she has to go to be with my little sister.’
Then he looked again at the doll with sad eyes, very quietly.
I quickly reached for my wallet and said to the boy. ‘Suppose we check again, just in case you do have enough money for the doll!”
‘OK’ he said, ‘I hope I do have enough.’ I added some of my money to his without him seeing and we started to count it. There was enough for the doll and even some spare money.
The little boy said: ‘Thank you God for giving me enough money!’
Then he looked at me and added, ‘I asked last night before I went to sleep for God to make sure I had enough money to buy this doll, so that mummy could give it to my sister . He heard me!”
‘I also wanted to have enough money to buy a white rose for my mummy, but I didn’t dare to ask God for too much.. But He gave me enough to buy the doll and a white rose.”
‘My mummy loves white roses.’
As I saw the old lady returning, I left with my basket as to not cause a scene.
I finished my shopping in a totally different state of mind from when I started.
I couldn’t get the little boy out of my mind.
Then I remembered a local news paper article two days ago, which mentioned a drunk man in a truck, who hit a car occupied by a youngwoman and a little girl.
The little girl died right away, and the mother was left in a critical state. The family had to decide whether to remove the life-sustaining machine, because the young woman would not be able to recover from the coma.Was this the family of the little boy?
Two days after this encounter with the little boy, I read in the news paper that the young woman had passed away.
I couldn’t stop myself as I bought a bunch of white roses and I went to the funeral home where the body of the young woman was for people to see and make last wishes before her burial.
She was there, in her coffin, holding a beautiful white rose in her hand with the photo of the little boy and the doll placed over her chest.
I left the place, teary-eyed, feeling that my life had been changed for ever.. The love that the little boy had for his mother and his sister is still, to this day, hard to imagine.
And in a fraction of a second, a drunk driver had taken all this away from him.
Don’t drink and drive………
Now you have 2 choices:
1) Send this message to others,
or
2) Ignore it as if it never touched your heart.
For those who prefer to think that God is not watching over us…. go ahead and delete this. For the rest of us…. pass this on….This your call!
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